I read this quote some where once: “Your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground.” Kyoko Escamilla said it & the girl was on to something. I think this year has been one of the best years so far. I have done and seen much more in 20 than 19 even though 19 came and left with some great epiphanies about life and knowledge of my own self. But there’s been more in 20. A lot more recognition of my personal shortcomings and things that make me a great human being. A lot more of looking at the positives instead of the negatives. I have done more in a year that I had ever hoped to do. Things I thought I could never do. Reckless, brave, amazing things. Ive explored, Ive loved a lot, Ive traveled, Ive been a bit too selfish, I still haven’t touched the ground.
Am I who I need to be, who I want to be? No, Im not & Im far from it. The struggle is the beauty, the fuck up after fuck up are the trials, the senseless reckless love is what exactly it is but its what I like. I love all this shit. It breaks me down some days but on the days Im feeling better, the days the sun shines, I love it. If it were all so easy would we want it? If I wasn’t so broke would 500 pound in my pocket be so great? If I spent so many nights alone & left with just my thoughts would someone that adores me and makes me smile listening to these thoughts out loud not be a small piece of heaven? Never mind how long Ive known them. If I wasn’t so bored writing meaning less papers daydreaming about weekends in Spain wouldn’t the good grade not be worth it, the eventual trip to Barcelona not be that much greater. Ive struggled with my demons, I self medicate, I cry, I scream, i give up, I try again, I drink like a fish, Im independent and codependent, Im reckless with love, I fornicate. Im a work in progress and I don’t think Ill be like this forever. I blame my 20s, I can be a different better Alex when Im ready to be. When my mind slows down and my heart rest in one place. When I can run no more from my problems that need to be sorted. When I feel like Im settling. Ill be different, Ill be better.
I rather talk to myself. At the end of the day you’re alone. You’ve got your friends and your family yeah. You love them, you respect their opinions, you ask for them. But, get this. How much would you do if it wasn’t for the opinions and expectations of others. When you open your mouth to speak to someone else you have already been influenced. Whether what they say you agree or completely disregard, you’ve been influenced. I don’t care about others opinions or suggestions even if I ask. I can only live for myself. Im still going to do what I think is right. Even if I know it’s wrong Im not all that concerned. Its still what I wanted to do. Id rather that than pretending Im something Im not. Its bad to lie even worse to lie to yourself.